Has anyone else with a new school starter got one of those Home Judgement Teacher Visits this week? These are a bit like the Home Judgement Midwife Visit you get when you’re pregnant, basically to check whether your abode is fit for infant/Small Person occupation.

Anyway, the Home Judgement Teacher Visit is now a THING, which I gather happens across the country, not just in Sheffield on the Nether Edge.

I’d convinced myself I was totally fine and cool with this, until I remembered that I’m pretty much never totally fine and cool about ANYTHING, and that my visit takes place VERY SHORTLY.

Oh, I know it’s all about smoothing the transition for my child, etc etc, but I STILL feel like I have to frantically prove my worth as a parent.I have therefore found myself making the following To Do list for today, by way of preparation. Feel free to use it yourself, if you too have to endure a Home Judgement Teacher Visit this week.

  1. Reduce debris and increase visible floor-space by creating skyscraper piles of miscellaneous crap.
  2. Apply hoover to newly exposed carpet.
  3. Fail to find air freshener and spray old perfume around house instead.
  4. Open windows to reduce lung-clogging, boudoir musk.
  5. Run baby wipes over toilet and check bowl for residue/s.
  6. Ban everyone from further toilet use.
  7. Realise Big Small Person may wish to show off its room, and throw everything into wardrobe.
  8. Inform Big Small Person large monsters now live in wardrobe and they MUST NOT OPEN IT.  
  9. Make a note to deal with this fall-out before bedtime.
  10. Locate educational jigsaw-type toys from the bottom of toy box, and assemble neatly on table.
  11. Attempt to prevent Big Small Person from throwing these novel items around in excitement.
  12. Attempt to prevent Small Small Person from eating them.
  13. Run dishcloth over both children in lieu of flannel, which keeps inexplicably going missing (Baby?).
  14. Ignore complaints they now smell of old cabbage.
  15. Consider spraying children with perfume.
  16. Change stained clothing and make futile request that children not dribble, draw or splodge on themselves for at least the next two minutes.
  17. Park them in front of TV in desperate attempt to achieve 16.
  18. Locate remote to switch TV off as soon as doorbell goes in case of screen-time based judgement.
  19. Promptly lose TV remote.
  20. Check for teabags and fill kettle.
  21. Try and find biscuits which aren’t made by Organix and don’t taste of cardboard.
  22. Dig through miscellaneous piles of crap for child artwork, to display on fridge.
  23. Battle magnets for a wasted 20 minutes, swearing under breath and getting a bit of a dab on.
  24. Brainstorm list of Qs for teacher, including what to take on the first day (PE kit? Does this involve plimsolls or bare feet? Change of clothes? Snacks?)
  25. Consider how to broach the fact the Big Small Person still refuses to wipe it’s own bum, and my own personal fear of skid marks, (the biggest worry for all new-starter parents after nits and worms).
  26. Frantically try and get the Small Small Person to nap, so it’s not too much of a dickhead and allows adults to momentarily converse.
  27. Do final sweep of the living room for cat sick, errant slut-Barbies (why do they all end up looking like this??), and stray cheerios.
  28. Dismiss the idea of medicating social anxiety with wine before lunchtime.
  29. Repeat, repeat, repeat: I shall not be intense and weird; I shall not be intense and weird; I shall not be intense and weird.

I mean, what could possibly go wrong???

Good luck, folks.